i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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