Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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