My friends, they love my intelligence
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize