i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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