Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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