I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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