i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
