I just gift wrapped bread.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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