he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
