I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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