Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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