I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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