I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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