i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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