I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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