Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
