Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
