You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
