Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
ok first of all what the fuck
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
