I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
