end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
