the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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