He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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