My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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