no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
