well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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