It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
