do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
