Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize