I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
