Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
