I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You are a genius and a whore.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
