once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
