The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
