her vagina looked like bernie madoff
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
