Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
