what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize