are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize