Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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