i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
