I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
