I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
