last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
