Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
