The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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