Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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