FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
