She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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