Got a toothbrush?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My dad just said "fuck circus"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
