i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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