Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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