I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
