He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
