She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize