Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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