I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
