Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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