A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
