Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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