Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
