Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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