I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
