Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
